Man Uncivilized: How men’s lives improve when they’re grounded and don’t get sucked into drama
“Position before submission” is something I heard hundreds of times from my jiujitsu and MMA coaches.
“Make sure you’re in the right spot, doing the right thing, with yourself and your opponent under control – then go for the win.”
That was the overriding message, day in, day out. Don’t get ahead of yourself, stay in your lane, and don’t get caught up in your opponent’s drama. You dictate the pace of the fight.
This lesson has carried through to all other areas of my life and is one of the first lessons I share with my Man Uncivilized coaching clients.
Why? It’s an easy concept to grasp and it’s the truth.
It keeps you focused where you need to be, doing the right things at the right times.
Below I’m going to break the concept down and give you exercises you can do yourself to live your life with a sense of calm, focus and integrity across the board.
Be the mountain
Before I knew anything about masculine and feminine dynamics, I knew how to use my weight against another human. I knew how to hold men down on a mat and drop elbows on them. I knew how to hyperextend their joints and choke them unconscious.
I also knew right before I went to submit them they flailed. They spazzed out. They freaked.
Not a worry, this wasn’t going to last long as they’d tire themselves out quickly – drama is exhausting. All I had to do was hold my shit together and breath, and then I could get back to my purpose – winning.
I didn’t know the correlation between the holding, the positioning, and the calm waiting and how they related to living in the world as an empowered man. I do now. And so should you.
Ask yourself – how much time and/or energy do you spend reacting to drama in your relationship, at work, or in other areas of your life?
For most of the men who reach out to me, it’s too much of each. And it doesn’t have to be.
Drama is not our fuel. Nor are we wired to handle it well, so stop buying into it.
Be the mountain that stands firmly grounded, breathing deeply as storm after storm blows against it. None of which move it an inch. Sure it recognizes and acknowledges the wind, hail, and thunder, but that’s it. The mountain is the great space holder – it simply stands firm in the face of chaos.
The mountain is unchanged. The mountain doesn’t get pulled off center when the wind blows. Neither should you.
Ground yourself. Each morning spend 5 minutes rolling your feet out with a lacrosse ball, smooth rock or anything else tickles your fancy. Create a connection with the earth beneath your feet and begin to expand your relationship with the ground.
Then stand, rooted in your own power, grounded all day long.
It has nothing to do with you
They freak out, say shit, and react in the ways they do because of their own value systems, conditioning, past wounds and present projections – 99.9% of which has nothing to do with you.
So relax in the face of drama. It has very little, if anything at all, to do with you.
Now the asterisks here, of course, is if you’re being an asshole. If you’ve proverbially yelled “fire” in a crowded movie theater, people are rightly reacting to you. And you’re going to get trampled. Because you were an asshole and deserve it. Don’t do that.
If you fuck up, apologize. Quickly, and without shame. There are few faster ways to diffuse drama when it is your fault than these two words, “I’m sorry.”
Admit your mistake. Own it, make a plan for why it’s not going to happen again and then move forward. Have zero qualms about owning your fuck ups, doing so is part and parcel of great leadership and you’re the leader of your own world.
And, if you’re following a program, if you’re living with INTEGRITY between your thoughts, words, and actions, if they’re in alignment with you being the best version of yourself possible, if you’re leading from the front with a clean closet and clear sense of direction – then it’s most likely not about you.
Sit back, breathe, and let the flailing pass – unaffected.
Think of holding a kid at arm’s distance while they haphazardly throw punches at you. Sure, you may get some slaps on the arm, but who gives a shit? That’s not going to throw you off course nor make you step in and throw a punch back, is it?
Drama is junk food for your life. It’s highly energizing, exciting and invigorating. And it will leave you exhausted and bankrupt of the energy needed to bring your work in the world to fruition.
It’s not about you, so don’t make it about you. Get used to checking in with your gut, and checking in with other men who won’t shrink in the face of calling it as it is. Make that a practice.
Embody this and freedom is yours. Welcome to it.
Practice All Of It
Learning to stay grounded in the face of uncertainty, drama, and feminine energy is a practice. A PRACTICE. You won’t get it just from reading this article.
Give this a go:
Throughout the week you’re going to set an hourly alarm (not when you sleep), every hour when it goes off, find a private space, root down deeply into your legs and core and take 10 deep breaths, moving your energy down and out of your head.
See the effect this has on your day. See what happens when you walk into a room afterward. Watch people’s reactions.
I have a consistent meditation practice but started doing the above before first dates this summer. I knew it was a powerful practice when two women in the same week burst out sweating in Southampton coffee shops – just by me breathing deeply and groundedly not giving a fuck.
Both said exasperatedly, “You’re so calm it’s unnerving. Aren’t you nervous at all?!!!”
Why should I be nervous?
Whether you’re the woman of my dreams or a complete train wreck has nothing to do with me, my mission, and what I’m doing with my life.
I’ve done the work and put the practice reps in so I know — It’s not about me.
You’re not about me. I know who I am, what I’m about and why I’m on this earth at this exact time. Thus, I’m not the one sweating.
Egotistical? Arrogant? Depends on your value systems, conditioning, past wounds and present projections – 99.9% of which has nothing to do with me…
True? Definitely. At least in my mind.
Each of those dates could easily have been a source of drama. Each had the potential to pull me off of center for either positive reasons or negative ones. Neither did either because of the practice.
In five minutes a day, you can change your whole life experience
How you move, breathe, and stand has an effect on the environment you’re in and the people surrounding you. Learning to master your inner world by staying deeply grounded, connected to the earth and to your breath is like having a superpower.
And it starts with five minutes a day. Five.
When you wake up, roll your feet. In the shower, breathe. Throughout the day, center yourself. Make a game of it. And then watch.
Watch the world around you change. Watch as you become the source of calm people gravitate towards. Watch as you feel more and more free no matter the chaos swirling around you.
Position before submission – do the work. The juice is worth the squeeze.